No father on father's day

I'm remembering my dad right now. Remembering because that's all I can do. My father has been gone (dead) for two and a half years. My dad (which was actually my step dad) was not a perfect man. He had his share of flaws as we all do. But as is the usual way, we remember the good things. I remember at this moment when I used to help my dad deliver the CC Caller-Times to customers many many years ago. We started the route about 2:30 in the morning and usually finished about 5 or 6 in the morning. Those were some of the best times of my life. Those summers were so much fun listening to music, snacking, laughing and yes making a little money to boot. At this very moment I'm listening to a playlist of songs that were hits during the time we worked that summer. Oh, what memories those songs bring back to me. Memories of my dad making us laugh by cracking jokes and by simply being dad. My heart breaks right now listening to those songs. How I wish my dad was still here being dad. Those songs, that music, those notes that are etched in my memory of specific moments brings me sadness. Sadness, not because they were sad times, but because those times are gone for ever. Sadness because I wish I could go back and relive those times, and I can't. Sadness, because my dad was alive when I heard these same notes all those years ago. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and can't believe that my dad is dead. It seems so impossible that he could not be at the house with my mom. It just doesn't seem real. It just can't be true. Sometimes I'll see a man that looks like my dad and for a nano second I'll think it's actually him. Wow, that's how much I don't want to believe he's gone. Reaching for the impossible.

This father's day will come and go as the last 2 did and the proceeding ones will. However, I will always think back to the times my dad was alive with sadness as well as happiness. My thoughts and prayers do not commence or cease on a manufactured "father's day." Father's day is everyday. As much as humanly possible I'll try so very hard to live everyday as if though it's my last. I'll try so very hard to soak everything up and take every thing in. I'll always try to remember that the time we live in right now is "back then." What we do right now is "back then." Happy father's day dad! I dedicate this day to you. Thank you for all you did for me. I wish I could have said thank you more. I wish I could have said goodbye.

Geologic Time

I can see how we, as a human race, are so very small and insignificant when measured next to geologic time. We are but a blink of an eye next to geologic time . All of man-made's edifices and all that exists at this moment will, in time, be metamorphized. There will be no evidence that we ever existed. We, as a race, will either die due to a cataclysmic extinction event, or we will be forced to inhabit another celestial body. In any case, just think about this. We measure a human life in 10's of years. On average, humans live about 80 years old. A species has an average life of about 10 million years. In comparison, geologic time is measured in BILLIONS OF YEARS. BILLIONS OF YEARS. We are all the epitome of insignificance.